The Tabloid News Edition 7
'FROM THE EDITOR' My fellow Mafioso . . . it has been too long since I sat behind this desk and typed out another brilliant Tabloid for you all to read. My apologies. So, without further ado, which would be much ado about nothing, on with the news . . . 'MAFIA GAZETTE INVESTIGATES WIDOW’S ASSISTANCE' The Mafia Gazette, in an almost communistic show of non-patriotism, called into question the motives and intent behind President Pickles’ Federal Widows Assistance Program, which would allow for the care of attractive widowed mafia wives. “I deny whole heartedly any allegation that I am creating this program to meet beautiful women and take advantage of them during their time of need and bereavement.” Chief architect of this legislation, Dick Gozinya said “The President’s intentions are as honorable as mine. This is not the time for finger pointing!” The Tabloid News stands behind President Pickles and his Widow’s Assistance. 'TABLOID NEWS MORE POLITE THAN MAFIA GAZETTE' Have you noticed lately that when you wake up in the morning, there’s a copy of The Mafia Gazette staring right at you? Don’t you just hate that? Wouldn’t you rather be able to choose which newspaper you want to read first thing in the morning by going down to your local newsstand, and making the right choice . . . The Tabloid News? Our investigative journalists have followed Carmela DeAngeles’ paperboys as they sneak into your house at night, plant a copy of the Gazette right on top of you, and then steal all your fine silverware. The upstanding newsboys of The Tabloid News would never do such a thing. We want you to have the free choice of newspapers. And, when we break into your house, we’re not about to leave a free copy of something you could purchase to make us rich. 'MAFIA GAZETTE ACCUSES TABLOID NEWS OF FRAMING THEM' Carmela DeAngeles has recently brought suit against The Tabloid News for sending their newsboys to people’s home to steal their valuables and leave a copy of The Mafia Gazette to throw suspicion on her. President Pickles vehemently denied any wrong doing, but did say it would have been a good idea. President Pickles files a counter suit saying that Carmela’s newsboys had been doing the crimes just so she could frame Pickles for trying to frame her. Carmela attempted to file a counter-counter suit claiming that Pickles was framing her for framing him for framing her. The judge in this case called a recess due to migraine. 'PROFILE OF DAN K, jr.' DanKjr is a doody head Does not wear clean underwear Suspected of being of Welsh descent Steals Christmas toys from orphans Suspected of being a communist Doesn't tip lap dancers Cheats at Go Fish Smells of day old roquefort I hope this article destroys his reputation, as promised. 'TRUTH BEHIND MAD DOG’S ARREST' The Mafia Gazette recently reported that Mad Dog was wrongfully arrested for giving a gift to a friend in Atlanta. The Tabloid News has the truth behind the arrest. Mad Dog walked into a corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the money from the cash register. After the cashier put the money in the bag as instructed, Mad Dog demanded the bottle of Scotch he saw behind the counter. The cashier refused to hand over the Scotch because he did not believe the man was 21. The robber swore he was, but still the clerk refused. Finally, the robber handed over his ID and proved that he was indeed twenty-one. As soon as he left, the cashier called and gave the police the name and address of the man who had just robbed the store. Mad Dog was arrested two hours later. 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN' Dear Red, A stripper I spent a good chunk of change on asked for my number and later called to set up a date. How do I know what she's after? Signed, Sefton ------------------------------------ Dear Sefton, I know exactly what she's after -- and it ain't your lap. It's what's tucked in the pocket on the other side. But for kicks, let's say your 7 seconds of witty banter was enough to snare her. Wow, Sefton, what a score! Red ------------------------------------ Dear Red, What should I do when I get drunk and phone my ex wife? Signed, Capone_Tony1 ------------------------------------ Dear Tony, Do what everyone else does: Confess your love, apologize for calling when you're drunk, hope she invites you over and hang up when she doesn't. Red